You know...I thought I would enjoy having a little break this summer. I was looking forward to the idea that we could live on Zeb's salary alone and that I wouldn't have to scramble to find a job. I could maybe be picky, find one I really want, rather than having to take just any old thing that'll hire me. I was looking forward to calming down, stopping stressing, taking some time to relax, read, watch tv.... Only to find that I can't do that.
Apparently, I am incapable of just 'relaxing'. I always have to have a list of things that have to be done and when I sit down for even an hour or two to play a game, I feel like I'm slacking. Hell, I can't even make it through an entire tv show without having to pause it and get up and do something.
I swear this is a new development. I know that once upon a time, I was able to just hang out and watch tv. I remember hours of just sitting in front of my laptop browsing the forums. Of course, the fact that I can't do that has more to do with the fact that they've been down for a week than anything else. *shakes fist at server* But even when they were up, I didn't just hang out there. I didn't browse and chat in RB like I used to. I check my subscribed threads, I send actions into my games, and then I wander off to 'be productive'. *sigh*
And the job thing...the break idea...even if I could handle it, apparently our finances can't. It seems we're barely scraping by on what we have...(damn this house is expensive) So now I'm fretting the fact that I'm still unemployed. Never mind that I've been running around like crazy since graduation and spent a month in SD and had nowhere near any time for job hunting...but there's this crazy voice inside my head telling me that I'm slacking and taking advantage of Zeb and need to be doing more and need to be employed already.
And then there's the fact that I'm worried about the 'finding a job' thing anyway. When I initially started looking at jobs, there was basically nothing available that didn't require you already be licensed. What I would like to know is how the hell people are supposed to get licensed if no one will hire them to allow them to accrue hours.... But now I've been looking more, and there is stuff out there.....a lot of stuff. So, of course, I went crazy. And over the past 2 days have applied for something on the order of 40 jobs. Some probably aren't even jobs I want, they're just things I'm qualified for....some even way overqualified for....because that scared little voice is telling me that no one is going to want to hire me and that even if I make it to an interview, I'll screw it up because I'm quiet and nervous and can't translate thoughts into coherent sentences.
I know it's nuts. I know that I'm capable and competent and good at what I do. I know that I have excellent credentials. I know that I just graduated from the best and hardest art therapy program in the country. I know that I am smart and responsible and compassionate and would be a great therapist. I'm just really really worried that I'm incapable of conveying that to someone else.
And so here we have me...still stressed. I'm done with grad school, done with the damn wedding....and still every little thing is turning me inside out. I know I'm driving Zeb up the wall. Every day I add like 10 things to the list of stuff we need to get done to finish the house. And we just got a wii and fun new games for it, and of course, he wants to play them, but then I'm making him feel guilty about it, because I can't seem to make myself sit down and play with them and ugh..I'm a mess.
It doesn't help that every day my mom calls and not 5 minutes into the conversation she asking about this thing or that thing that I mentioned I might get done soon. And the fact that she always sounds so disapproving of what I'm doing and how I'm doing things, makes me snap at her. I don't think we've had a conversation since I got back from SD that hasn't ended with one or both of us pissed off over something. And I know, I'm probably overreacting...but does she really have to know everything that's happening at all times? Which of course, she'll have an opinion on. I'm sorry, but I'm sick of her always having to be involved in every aspect of my life. I think I'm, at least mildly, independent....capable of making my own choices and decisions. And, while she says we're just 'having a conversation' to me we're 'discussing what Amanda's doing wrong now' and I can't handle that every day, I just can't anymore.
And now, I have a killer headache and have clearly ranted enough at you all. I guess I should probably go to sleep here. I hardly slept at all last night, or today, rather since it was 6:30 when I laid down. I couldn't sleep, and then I tried to sleep when Zeb did later in the day, and that didn't work either. I'm chalking it up to this restlessness, but I seriously hope it cuts it out. Cause I am not a happy person to be around when I haven't slept. *sigh* I really didn't mean this to turn into a rant. I really am happy, even if it's hard to hear that through all the stress and worry and bitching. but....*sigh* When does life get easy?
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