Friday, July 18, 2008

Restless

You know...I thought I would enjoy having a little break this summer. I was looking forward to the idea that we could live on Zeb's salary alone and that I wouldn't have to scramble to find a job. I could maybe be picky, find one I really want, rather than having to take just any old thing that'll hire me. I was looking forward to calming down, stopping stressing, taking some time to relax, read, watch tv.... Only to find that I can't do that.

Apparently, I am incapable of just 'relaxing'. I always have to have a list of things that have to be done and when I sit down for even an hour or two to play a game, I feel like I'm slacking. Hell, I can't even make it through an entire tv show without having to pause it and get up and do something.

I swear this is a new development. I know that once upon a time, I was able to just hang out and watch tv. I remember hours of just sitting in front of my laptop browsing the forums. Of course, the fact that I can't do that has more to do with the fact that they've been down for a week than anything else. *shakes fist at server* But even when they were up, I didn't just hang out there. I didn't browse and chat in RB like I used to. I check my subscribed threads, I send actions into my games, and then I wander off to 'be productive'. *sigh*

And the job thing...the break idea...even if I could handle it, apparently our finances can't. It seems we're barely scraping by on what we have...(damn this house is expensive) So now I'm fretting the fact that I'm still unemployed. Never mind that I've been running around like crazy since graduation and spent a month in SD and had nowhere near any time for job hunting...but there's this crazy voice inside my head telling me that I'm slacking and taking advantage of Zeb and need to be doing more and need to be employed already.

And then there's the fact that I'm worried about the 'finding a job' thing anyway. When I initially started looking at jobs, there was basically nothing available that didn't require you already be licensed. What I would like to know is how the hell people are supposed to get licensed if no one will hire them to allow them to accrue hours.... But now I've been looking more, and there is stuff out there.....a lot of stuff. So, of course, I went crazy. And over the past 2 days have applied for something on the order of 40 jobs. Some probably aren't even jobs I want, they're just things I'm qualified for....some even way overqualified for....because that scared little voice is telling me that no one is going to want to hire me and that even if I make it to an interview, I'll screw it up because I'm quiet and nervous and can't translate thoughts into coherent sentences.

I know it's nuts. I know that I'm capable and competent and good at what I do. I know that I have excellent credentials. I know that I just graduated from the best and hardest art therapy program in the country. I know that I am smart and responsible and compassionate and would be a great therapist. I'm just really really worried that I'm incapable of conveying that to someone else.

And so here we have me...still stressed. I'm done with grad school, done with the damn wedding....and still every little thing is turning me inside out. I know I'm driving Zeb up the wall. Every day I add like 10 things to the list of stuff we need to get done to finish the house. And we just got a wii and fun new games for it, and of course, he wants to play them, but then I'm making him feel guilty about it, because I can't seem to make myself sit down and play with them and ugh..I'm a mess.

It doesn't help that every day my mom calls and not 5 minutes into the conversation she asking about this thing or that thing that I mentioned I might get done soon. And the fact that she always sounds so disapproving of what I'm doing and how I'm doing things, makes me snap at her. I don't think we've had a conversation since I got back from SD that hasn't ended with one or both of us pissed off over something. And I know, I'm probably overreacting...but does she really have to know everything that's happening at all times? Which of course, she'll have an opinion on. I'm sorry, but I'm sick of her always having to be involved in every aspect of my life. I think I'm, at least mildly, independent....capable of making my own choices and decisions. And, while she says we're just 'having a conversation' to me we're 'discussing what Amanda's doing wrong now' and I can't handle that every day, I just can't anymore.

And now, I have a killer headache and have clearly ranted enough at you all. I guess I should probably go to sleep here. I hardly slept at all last night, or today, rather since it was 6:30 when I laid down. I couldn't sleep, and then I tried to sleep when Zeb did later in the day, and that didn't work either. I'm chalking it up to this restlessness, but I seriously hope it cuts it out. Cause I am not a happy person to be around when I haven't slept. *sigh* I really didn't mean this to turn into a rant. I really am happy, even if it's hard to hear that through all the stress and worry and bitching. but....*sigh* When does life get easy?

7 comments:

cjketo44 said...

*offers shoulder*

*hugs*


Trust me, it could be a whole lot worse. I only spent 30 hours at the bar last week. But that's because I spent another 50 at the other bar trying to get it close to ready to open in two weeks....

Probably going to be three, because they need to fix a few things that I told them not to do to begin with.
*sigh*

Alarra said...

I know, I know...it could be worse. And I know how busy you've been lately.

But man...opening a bar sounds like a lot of fun actually. Hard work, yes, but exciting and interesting. (Is basing all of this on when she opened a restaurant, which was a blast, even if busy)

And you're important and needed. I miss that.

Valiant Turtle said...

More *hugs*.

When it comes to interviews it's ok to be nervous. A good interviewer is going to look past the nervousness. They don't want to pass on the best person they've ever interviewed just because they were a bit nervous. When I interviewed for my current job I was very nervous and hyper, but they saw through that and hired me anyway. If they interview frequently they might think something was wrong with you if you weren't nervous!

When it comes to everything else, remember: you're a newlywed! Spending time with your husband; whether it be just watching TV or playing Wii or doing absolutely nothing at all should be way up high on the To-Do list at all times! It's very important and don't let anyone (especially yourself) tell you otherwise!

Trog said...

Wow! You've applied for 40 jobs already? That's a lot of hard work right there. And in a short period of time, too. On top of the wedding preparations, the actual wedding itself, then some definitely needed and deserved time off for the honeymoon. You've been hella busy.

The best advice I can give you is to make time to call back the jobs you are only mildly interested in so you can get a definite yes or no from them. That way that process moves a little faster. And also I can give you this advice:

Do less.

Take a look at zenhabits.net and read his advice on being more productive by doing less.

Also I wouldn't tell your mom your plans. that way you know she doesn't know them and can't hound you for it. And you can just tell her the stuff you got done after it is done. under-promise and over-deliver as they say.

*hugs*

*sneaks off to try out the new Wii*

Alarra said...

I'm actually feeling much better now. I got a phone call from Johns Hopkins today and they're going to call me back Monday to set up an interview, and even though this was one of the jobs I didn't want - part time, something I'm over-qualified for....it sounds, at least from the phone call...like they're interested in giving me a full-time position that's more in line with my actual qualifications....

So yeah...I think I was freaking out for no reason. And YAY! Johns Hopkins!

Nicol3 said...

I hate saying 'try not to worry,' because that never helps, and I hate it when people say it to me, but... try not to worry! And house things, what I try to do is just get really enthusiastic about one thing at a time, and take my time and be overjoyed and have fun with it. That way it seems less like work and more like fun... Enjoy the newlywed feeling while you can and don't worry about money so much, it's definitely a newlywed problem that my husband and I are just now starting to see the light at the end of the tunnel after 3 years... And I know all too well about the mom problem! Just remember, it's just a mom reflex to worry and don't take it too personally! :)

ironhand said...

If needs be, cut your mother out of the information loop. She doesn't need to know everything that you're doing, and if it gets through that maybe you're not telling her on purpose, maybe, just maybe, she might reflect on why that is.

No promises, of course.

Also, *ruffle*