Restless

You know...I thought I would enjoy having a little break this summer. I was looking forward to the idea that we could live on Zeb's salary alone and that I wouldn't have to scramble to find a job. I could maybe be picky, find one I really want, rather than having to take just any old thing that'll hire me. I was looking forward to calming down, stopping stressing, taking some time to relax, read, watch tv.... Only to find that I can't do that.

Apparently, I am incapable of just 'relaxing'. I always have to have a list of things that have to be done and when I sit down for even an hour or two to play a game, I feel like I'm slacking. Hell, I can't even make it through an entire tv show without having to pause it and get up and do something.

I swear this is a new development. I know that once upon a time, I was able to just hang out and watch tv. I remember hours of just sitting in front of my laptop browsing the forums. Of course, the fact that I can't do that has more to do with the fact that they've been down for a week than anything else. *shakes fist at server* But even when they were up, I didn't just hang out there. I didn't browse and chat in RB like I used to. I check my subscribed threads, I send actions into my games, and then I wander off to 'be productive'. *sigh*

And the job thing...the break idea...even if I could handle it, apparently our finances can't. It seems we're barely scraping by on what we have...(damn this house is expensive) So now I'm fretting the fact that I'm still unemployed. Never mind that I've been running around like crazy since graduation and spent a month in SD and had nowhere near any time for job hunting...but there's this crazy voice inside my head telling me that I'm slacking and taking advantage of Zeb and need to be doing more and need to be employed already.

And then there's the fact that I'm worried about the 'finding a job' thing anyway. When I initially started looking at jobs, there was basically nothing available that didn't require you already be licensed. What I would like to know is how the hell people are supposed to get licensed if no one will hire them to allow them to accrue hours.... But now I've been looking more, and there is stuff out there.....a lot of stuff. So, of course, I went crazy. And over the past 2 days have applied for something on the order of 40 jobs. Some probably aren't even jobs I want, they're just things I'm qualified for....some even way overqualified for....because that scared little voice is telling me that no one is going to want to hire me and that even if I make it to an interview, I'll screw it up because I'm quiet and nervous and can't translate thoughts into coherent sentences.

I know it's nuts. I know that I'm capable and competent and good at what I do. I know that I have excellent credentials. I know that I just graduated from the best and hardest art therapy program in the country. I know that I am smart and responsible and compassionate and would be a great therapist. I'm just really really worried that I'm incapable of conveying that to someone else.

And so here we have me...still stressed. I'm done with grad school, done with the damn wedding....and still every little thing is turning me inside out. I know I'm driving Zeb up the wall. Every day I add like 10 things to the list of stuff we need to get done to finish the house. And we just got a wii and fun new games for it, and of course, he wants to play them, but then I'm making him feel guilty about it, because I can't seem to make myself sit down and play with them and ugh..I'm a mess.

It doesn't help that every day my mom calls and not 5 minutes into the conversation she asking about this thing or that thing that I mentioned I might get done soon. And the fact that she always sounds so disapproving of what I'm doing and how I'm doing things, makes me snap at her. I don't think we've had a conversation since I got back from SD that hasn't ended with one or both of us pissed off over something. And I know, I'm probably overreacting...but does she really have to know everything that's happening at all times? Which of course, she'll have an opinion on. I'm sorry, but I'm sick of her always having to be involved in every aspect of my life. I think I'm, at least mildly, independent....capable of making my own choices and decisions. And, while she says we're just 'having a conversation' to me we're 'discussing what Amanda's doing wrong now' and I can't handle that every day, I just can't anymore.

And now, I have a killer headache and have clearly ranted enough at you all. I guess I should probably go to sleep here. I hardly slept at all last night, or today, rather since it was 6:30 when I laid down. I couldn't sleep, and then I tried to sleep when Zeb did later in the day, and that didn't work either. I'm chalking it up to this restlessness, but I seriously hope it cuts it out. Cause I am not a happy person to be around when I haven't slept. *sigh* I really didn't mean this to turn into a rant. I really am happy, even if it's hard to hear that through all the stress and worry and bitching. but....*sigh* When does life get easy?

Bliss

Well huh...I'm married. After all the planning and the stressing and the worrying and the details...it's just...over and done. I mean, I'm happy and all. Deliriously happy. I love Zeb so damn much and I suppose it's nice to be done with it all, but...I dunno...it kinda feels sudden and like something's missing now without the wedding to worry about. *shrugs* Of course, I'm still crazy busy, but I shouldn't be. I dunno, it's like I can't let myself just relax and have fun and not be stressing out over -something-. *sigh*

Anyway...the wedding was beautiful and perfect, well...nearly perfect. Let's list the things that weren't.... It's a short list, really, which I hear is unusual for weddings:

1. I didn't actually lose any weight before the wedding. As such, I feel like I looked crappy in all my photos, at least those I've seen. I haven't seen the professional ones yet.
2. It was windy during the ceremony which made the microphones screwy.
3. It was really freaking hot at the reception initially which I think made a fair number of people take off early.
4. The best man left at 5. WTF? I'm sorry, but I felt that was incredibly rude and selfish. And a lot of other people did too. 'Waaaa, there's kids and it's hot and we're not having that much fun.' Suck it up. You're here for someone else and frankly, there's a time when you should think of them and not just you. Although, truthfully, we probably had more fun without them.
5. Sue and Kay got in a fight. Well, admittedly, I didn't learn of this until the next day, but I hate that people were fighting at the reception and hope mom smoothed things over so that Kay doesn't think I had anything to do with anything.

And...that's about it. Not too bad if I do say so myself.

The wedding and reception were really perfect though. Like most girls, I've planned aspects of my wedding for as long as I can remember. My dress was exactly the dress I'd always pictured in my mind. There were daisies everywhere, which gave everything a cheerful, casual feel. We were able to pull off a whole fantasy theme without going to crazy or being cheesy. And it was geeky. There was kubb played and gazebo attacking and we renamed the bar Trog's Tavern. All in all it was very us and very special. Zeb was incredibly handsome and every time he looked at me he just looked so happy and so sure that this was right and perfect. I couldn't stop smiling.

The candle holders went over well and looked really nice with the table cloths we made. There was tons of food and it was all delicious. Of course, I hardly ate anything, sadly. The cake was beautiful. Kay did just a superb job. And all in all, we really didn't spend that much. The DJ and photographer were worth every penny, and we didn't spend that much on them. Although I was actually a little disappointed in some songs that the DJ was missing, although he was apparently robbed the day before. I'm not sure if that had anything to do with it. I was sad to not be able to hear dani california though, or any of the 'good' barenaked ladies songs.

All in all, a good time was had by all. The playgrounders stayed and hung out til the end with us, as did most of my dad's family, which was good and fun. I must say I've never before seen, or expected to see my cousin Chad dancing on a table. I danced a lot too, I must admit. I didn't expect to. I'm not that much of a dancer and neither is Zeb, but we danced and danced and had such a great time.

Have I mentioned that I'm happy? I'm really happy. And tomorrow morning, we leave on our little honeymoon to Pennsylvania. I'm excited about that too. It will be hard for me, but I'm going to not do anything and not think about anything remotely requiring any thought or productivity for the next three days. It'll be nice.

Anticipation

I need to be asleep because I have been up since 2am this time and today has been long and hectic and tomorrow sounds to only be more so. However, I felt it would be a good idea to get a blog entry in now, mentioning all the meetupy goodness, before that event gets eclipsed by the wedding and I never end up writing about it. But speaking of the wedding...I just have to mention again how very excited I am. Am I nervous? Not a bit. Well, no, that's not really true. But I'm not at all nervous about getting married. Nervous about standing in front of 150 people, yes. Nervous about giving a speech...yes. Nervous about starting a new life with Jerry? Not a bit. And I'm happy. I'm so deliriously happy. Although, I'm tired and wish people would stop trying to schedule every hour of my time and it's making me snappish at times, but I'm still happy.

Okay...meetup....

Last weekend was the event of all playground events...the SE Meetup. It was a blast. There were so many people there that it was just crazy, I think we topped 40. Zeb and I had the good fortune of having two of our favorite board members (Shadow and Midnight Son) fly into Baltimore to drive down with us. Which was great. I loved the chance to get to know them and they were both a ton of fun. Shadow has managed to vault himself up into my top tier of playgrounders that I know in person. I mean, I love all the playgrounders I've met, but there are a few that you just kinda click with. And I'm fairly certain he must have clicked with Zeb too. After all, he doesn't just kiss anyone. =P

Zeb and I stayed with Hippie and Mountain Faerie, which was just great. I'm so glad we got to spend more time with them this year, cause they're just wonderful people. I was actually really impressed by the level of organization that the locals put into this and all the effort they put into making it what it was. There's rumor that next year we're going to try to rent a camp, which would be awesome.

Of course, my diet flew out the window while I was there, especially Saturday, when there was drinking. Not that I regret that, cause we all had a great time and I knew I wasn't going to stick to it on the trip...I tried though, kinda.

There was much fun gaming to be had. I had a whopping 11 curses going on me at one time, pure insanity. And everyone LOVED hex hex. It's become one of the 'games to get' for meetup goers.

I felt much better about myself and my ability to interact with people this year. Last year, I was still kinda shy around everybody and held back a lot. This year, however, I noticed that I was talking a lot more and taking charge and explaining games and rules and making plans....so that's a big step.

Stacy and Tracey brought their puppy along to the meet. I wanted to take him home soooooooooo much, unfortunately they didn't want to trade for Athena. (Not that I blame them).

But yes, there were far too many people there to list and talk about them all. There were a lot I got to see again and that was nice and there were a few new people that I hadn't met before, all of whom turned out to be fantastically fun. I was actually impressed at how few people I had to meet. I had met something like 32 of the 40 before. But yes..in conclusion...much awesomeness was had by all.

And now I must head to sleep and recuperate before I am awakened early to attend to all things weddingy and also to nurse my poor sick troll in hopes that he will be able to fight off the disease that is currently trying to claim him before the wedding. Poor darling.